Trust Your Husband to be a Great Dad

When I gave birth to my first child in the pre-Covid days, I had to take work trips with some regularity. The first work trip after maternity leave was rough. I was still breastfeeding, so I had to pump while traveling — which, let me tell you, is a whole other level of challenge. There is nothing quite like the logistical puzzle of finding a clean, private space in an airport, on a schedule, while also trying to be present for meetings you have flown across the country to attend.

But the pumping was not the hardest part. The hardest part was the leaving. The quiet ache of walking out the door while my son was still so small, trusting that everything would be okay without me there to orchestrate it.

The advice that changed everything

A friend and former colleague, who had given birth to her son a year prior, gave me some really sage advice before that first trip. She said: "It's going to be really hard to leave your kid for work trips, but it will be okay, and you stepping back will allow your husband and son to develop a much closer bond because you're giving them the space to do so."

I remember hearing those words and feeling something in my chest loosen a little. She was not telling me it would be easy. She was telling me it would be worth it. That by removing myself from the center of their daily orbit, I was not abandoning them. I was making room for something else to grow.

"You stepping back will allow your husband and son to develop a much closer bond because you're giving them the space to do so."

Letting go is the gift

Here is what I have learned in the years since: when you are the default parent — the one who knows exactly how the toddler likes his peanut butter sandwich, the one who remembers which stuffed animal is required for bedtime, the one who has never once missed a pediatrician appointment — it can be hard to imagine anyone else doing it "right."

But right is not the point. Bonding is the point. And your husband will not do it the way you would. He will do it his own way. He might serve cereal for dinner. He might skip the second book at bedtime. He might handle a tantrum with a patience you did not know he had, or with a strategy you never would have chosen. Either way, he is learning who your child is. And your child is learning who his dad is. That learning only happens in the space you create when you step back.

Seven years and another kid later

Here we are, seven years and another child later. My husband does a great job with the kids. No, he might not do it the way that I would do it. Yes, I still miss them when I go on trips. But I know they will all be okay.

I trust that the house will not burn down. I trust that everyone will be fed and taken care of while I am away. I trust that there will be laughter I do not witness, inside jokes I am not part of, and small victories that belong only to the two (now three) of them. Those moments are not losses. They are deposits into a relationship that will outlast every work trip I ever take.

Trust is a practice

Trusting your husband to be a great dad is not a one-time decision. It is a practice. It is choosing, again and again, to believe that his way of loving them is just as valid as yours. It is resisting the urge to text reminders he does not need. It is coming home from a trip and listening to their stories without trying to edit them. It is letting their relationship be their own.

And on the days when the leaving still hurts — because sometimes it does, no matter how many years pass — I return to my friend's words. I remind myself that the space I make is not empty. It is full of something only the three of them can build together. And that is worth every hard goodbye at the front door.