If at First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Something New

Parenting is a constant journey of ups and downs, successes and failures, and the willingness to try something new when what you are doing is not working. I have learned this lesson more times than I can count, but lately it has shown up in my house in the form of chores, routines, and my five-year-old daughter.

My daughter is whimsical. She has the kindest heart, loves every animal she meets, and is a natural little gymnast who will flip and cartwheel her way through any room. But she also has zero natural desire to pick up after herself. Chores are a struggle for her, and in turn, they have become a source of frustration for me. I believe deeply that we all do our part to help our family and our home run smoothly. That is a value I want her to grow up with. But believing in something and actually getting a five-year-old on board are two very different things.

When asking nicely stops working

I do my best not to yell. I really do. I try to stay calm, get on her level, and explain what needs to happen. But when asking nicely the first time does not work, and asking nicely the second time does not work, and the shoes are still in the middle of the floor and the plate is still on the table, everyone starts to get upset. There is a huge disconnect between what she is doing and my expectation that she do her age-appropriate part: bring her plate to the kitchen, put her shoes away, help tidy up the small messes she makes.

In those moments, it is easy to feel like the problem is her. Why will she not just listen? Why does this have to be so hard? But the truth is, if I keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, the problem is not her. It is the approach. There is a great quote that says, "If you change nothing, nothing changes." It is on me, as the parent, to come up with a new strategy. To try something new.

Positive reinforcement over punishment

I am a big believer in positive reinforcement. I would much rather teach my daughter that she can earn something good by doing what is expected than constantly threaten consequences. That is not to say consequences do not have their place. They do. But whenever possible, I try to turn the situation into an opportunity. If you want TV time, you can earn it. If you want allowance, you can earn it. If you want the fun thing, do the responsible thing first.

The list of what she can earn is not complicated. It is the basics: doing her chores, listening the first time, and not treating bedtime like open gym night. Yes, that last one is a true story. Two nights ago, she was swinging on the top bunk like monkey bars at 8:30 PM. Creativity points? High. Bedtime compliance? Zero.

Our new system

So here we are, mom taking a breath and coming up with a new plan. We now have laminated printouts of what our routines need to look like: one for the morning, one for the afternoon after school, and one for the evening. Each routine is broken into small, clear steps with pictures she can check off herself. When she does a good job, she earns a wooden coin. The coins can be traded for TV time or saved up as allowance.

Is it perfect? No. Nothing with a five-year-old ever is. Some days she is thrilled about the coins. Other days she could not care less and I am back to gently redirecting her for the tenth time. But the goal is not perfection. The goal is progress. The goal is to help her learn responsibility, experience the satisfaction of earning something, and understand that she is a valuable part of our family team.

"If you change nothing, nothing changes. Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is stop, reset, and try a completely different approach."

The real lesson

The real lesson here is not about chore charts or wooden coins. It is about being willing to adapt. It is about recognizing when something is not working and having the humility to try again differently. Our kids are not robots. They have their own personalities, their own motivations, their own seasons of cooperation and resistance. What works for one child might not work for another. What works one month might stop working the next.

Parenting requires flexibility. It requires us to pay attention, to notice when the energy in the house is getting worse instead of better, and to be the one who steps back and resets. That does not mean we let go of our values or our expectations. It means we get creative about how we help our children meet them.

So if you are in a season where something in your home is not working, take a breath. You are not failing. You are just due for a new strategy. Try something new. Adjust the system. Add the incentive. Simplify the expectation. And remember: the fact that you care enough to keep trying is exactly what your child needs most.