Don't be Afraid to Make the 1st Move

When I watch my kids make friends, I am always struck by how easy it looks. My daughter recently started at a new summer camp, and on her very first day another little girl — a year or two older, someone my daughter had met in passing but never actually played with — was already there. My daughter walked right up to her and asked, "Hi, can I play with you?" The other girl said yes, and just like that they were off, running and laughing together as if they had known each other for years.

There was no overthinking. No worrying about rejection. No rehearsing the perfect opener. Just a simple question and a willingness to be the one who asked it first.

Where did that ease go?

Fast forward to being an adult, and somehow we lost that ease of developing new relationships. Making friends used to happen on the playground. Now it happens in the margins of a very full life — at school pickup, at the office, in the neighborhood — and most of us are waiting for someone else to make the first move.

I think the hardest friendships to start are the ones we want the most. New mom friends, especially. You are both tired. You are both juggling schedules and nap times and the emotional weight of keeping tiny humans alive. You exchange polite smiles at drop-off and wonder if the other person would ever want to get together. And because everyone is busy and a little vulnerable, nobody reaches out.

But here is what I have learned: someone has to go first. And it might as well be you.

The invitation is the bridge

Sometimes making new friends, especially new mom friends, is simply making the effort first. It is inviting them and their kids over for an afternoon playdate. It is texting, "We are going to the park Saturday morning if you want to join." It is offering the small thing you can offer — your time, your home, your presence — and trusting that the other person is probably hoping someone asks exactly that.

I have what I jokingly refer to as super bougie matcha. It is pistachio matcha, and it really is delicious. When another mom and her kids come over, I make us each a cup and we sit at the kitchen table while the kids tear through the playroom. Nothing fancy. Just a little warmth, a little caffeine, and a doorway into real conversation.

And you know what? We are all looking for new friends and that village. Almost every time I have extended an invitation, the response has been some version of, "I am so glad you asked. I have been wanting to do this too."

It helps the kids, too

This also helps the kids become better friends. It is easier to be friends in school if you also hang out and play together after school. When children see their moms choosing friendship, they learn that relationships are worth prioritizing. They watch us be brave enough to say hello first, and they absorb that courage without us ever lecturing them about it.

The playdate is not just for them. It is for us, too. It is a reminder that we are still people who need connection, even in the season of packed lunches and early bedtimes.

It works at work, too

The same principle applies beyond motherhood. You meet a new coworker whose company you genuinely enjoy. You laugh at the same jokes in meetings. You both complain about the same conference room. Instead of letting the connection stay at the level of friendly hallway chatter, ask them to grab coffee. It does not have to be a big production. "Want to walk to the coffee shop with me on the break?" is enough.

Most people are more open than we assume. We tell ourselves they are too busy, too popular, too put-together to want another friend. But the truth is that most adults are quietly hoping someone will invite them in.

"Don't be afraid to make the first effort — you'd be surprised how often other folks say yes and want to get to know you."

The yes is worth the risk

Rejection is possible, of course. Not every invitation lands. Not every friendship clicks. But the cost of a polite "no thanks" or a canceled plan is far smaller than the cost of never reaching out at all. Every friendship I treasure now started with one person being willing to risk a little awkwardness for the possibility of connection.

So if there is a mom you would like to know better, invite her over. If there is a coworker who makes the day brighter, ask them to coffee. If there is a neighbor you keep meaning to talk to, knock on the door or leave a note with your number.

Be the one who says hi first. Be the one who extends the invitation. Be the one who builds the village you are hoping to find. More often than not, the other person has been waiting for someone exactly like you to make the first move.